Bottled Emotions
by A Random Little Person
Summary: A look into Lulu's past and some of the thoughts behind the decisions in her life, and what has made her the stoic black mage we know.


There were very few pivotal moments in my life before Yuna's pilgrimage. But there are three moments in my life that have firmly imprinted themselves in my memory. These are the only times in my life where I have let myself shed a teardrop. Many in Spira may view me as unemotional, but in truth I have saved my tears for the moments in life that really matter.

I made this decision at the tender age of five. The chaos of Spira forced not just I, but many young children to become old before there time, unlike the children of today who will grow up without knowing fear in Yuna's Eternal Calm. However, I was forced to watch my parents die at only five years old. Sin attacked the Luca stadium and the Crusaders, despite their valiant efforts, could not hold Sin back. Few people managed to escape the stadium that day, and entire Blitz teams were wiped out in a single moment of destruction. I still remember the aftermath of this catastrophe. Time seemed to travel in disjointed blocks for the next few weeks. It was about a week after the stadium had been destroyed that the bodies of my parents were recovered.

It was at this moment, with tears running silently own my cheeks that I realise that I had wasted these droplets of water selfishly on childhood moments, like a banged knee or a tantrum, when I should have been saving them or this moment. I felt guilty, like I had disgraced my parent's memory. I decided I never wanted to do that again, and as I grew older I began to draw on strength I never knew I possessed. This was not about preventing myself from feeling the pain of grief, as I found other ways to do so. I did end up distancing myself from all but a few people around, but I knew that these were the people that cared, and knew I did not want the shallow offers of friendship from the others.

Now living in our old house on the island of Besaid, I devoted much of my time to my study of black magic, as this helped to keep my hands busy, and the work demanded all of my attention, therefore my mind was blissfully blank. My hard work soon saw me mastering the basics of my magic with ease, and my natural talents with magic soon saw me appointed as one of the youngest guardians in Spiran history. I was to accompany Lady Ginnem on her pilgrimage.

The pilgrimage seemed to be doomed from the start. Besaid was attacked by Sin at the moment I agreed to accompany Lady Ginnem on her pilgrimage. This was an auspicious sign for the rest of our journey. Nothing could seem to go right. The Aurochs lost the cup again, but I can't say I wasn't expecting that. They had not won the cup in fifteen years, which was before I was born. We missed the shoopuf, and had to wait four days for it to return, and then after having to pay for lodgings were consequently short of money for the shoopuf ride. Fortunately, another party of a summoner and his two guardians helped us out. The summoner's name was Braska.

Crossing the Thunder Plains still haunts me in my dreams to this day, and I can't say I blame Rikku for her fear of lightening. When we first had to cross the Thunder Plains, there were less than half the towers that were standing in Yuna's pilgrimage. It was at this point that the first guardian fell. He was a man named Boucher, and had been the backbone of the pilgrimage. If we were ever to run in to trouble with strong fiends, it was to Boucher that Lady Ginnem, Boucher's apprentice Yorn an myself would turn to. Lady Ginnem insisted that e continue despite the loss of her guardian.

Lady Ginnem said to me that more people in Spira would be lost than just one person if we did not continue, and the sooner we reached our goal, the sooner Spira's suffering would end. I thought that the death of one guardian would have to be lowest point of the pilgrimage. I was unfortunately proved wrong. When we reached Bevelle, we were refused entry into the temple. We decided to rest for a night and then cross the Calm Lands to a cave that was said to house a Fayth, and then return to Bevelle and attempt to enter the temple again. But that night Yorn decided to try to enter the temple himself. Deeply grieved by the death his teacher, he had become reckless. He was killed for his efforts by the temple guards. It was released to the public that the Al Bheds had broken in and killed the guardian of a summoner praying to the Fayth. No- one, apart from the guards that night ever knew what truly happened that night. I, still to this day do not know why we were denied entry to the temple, though seeing the corruption in Yevon today, I have my suspicions.

Lady Ginnem and I decided to press on across the Calm Lands and to the Cavern of the Stolen Fayth. We had barely made it through the entrance before we were constantly assaulted by wave after wave of fiends. We were already exhausted by our journey across the Calm Lands and had had little sleep for the fear that Yevon may pursue us to keep us quiet about the death of Yorn. We fought until we could no longer stand, but the fiends did not stop coming. Lady Ginnem used the last of her magic to heal me, and told me to run. I did not want to leave her, but I felt compelled to do as she said. I ran from the cave tears streaming down my cheeks. This was the second time I allowed myself to cry. I, for many years after the death of Lady Ginnem, felt that it was my fault that she had died. I believed that had I not have been so young and inexperienced, that she would have lived.

It was Chappu that first helped me to see that nothing I could have one would have changed the outcome of this pilgrimage. Over the years after Lady Ginnem's death, he and I gradually grew closer, and friendship blossomed into love. His decision to join the crusaders shocked me, and I believe that I influenced his decision to go but I have not yet told this to Wakka. About a month before Chappu enlisted, I told him some news. He was going to be a father. I was pregnant. He never told anyone this, and neither did I. Chappu promised me that he would always be there for me and the baby. When he enlisted I was furious, to say the least, but I calmed down once he told me his reasons. He wished to keep Sin away from me and my unborn child. I understood his reasons, even if I could not accept them. He promised me he would come back from his first mission, which took place two weeks after he enlisted. This was the only promise the Chappu ever broke.

After the mission, I waited anxiously for his return. He never came. His comrades delivered his broken body to the island, so that his family could bury him, they said. It was at this time that Yuna told me of her decision to become a summoner. It was the combined stress of Chappu's death and Yuna's decision, despite the fact the she knew no- one on Besaid wanted to she her throw away her life, which caused me to lose the baby. This was the third time I allowed myself to cry. I have never told Wakka this, and have allowed him to believe that I am just cold, and he has accepted this. Yuna, I think suspects that there are deeper issues behind cold demeanour, but she allows me to keep my silence, knowing that when the time is right I will allow others to share my memories. Perhaps one day I will tell Wakka, but I cannot be sure of his reaction. Will he blame me for the death of his brother, as I did afterwards? Will he allow me to keep my cold exterior in place and leave me alone? Or will he pity me for my losses and begin to understand why I am the way I appear? The one thing I dread is for Wakka to be disappointed in me, for if he was I know my heart would bleed.

AN: Thank for reading people that was my first story so please be gentle with the reviews. Lulu is my fav character from ffx and I hped you liked my take on her


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